Have you ever shouted a request (“Bring me a glass of water, please.”) from the comfort of your bed/sofa to a child or partner? Have you ever kicked an article of clothing or snack wrapper under a piece of furniture while cleaning? Have you ever had to cancel a night out with friends because you didn’t do laundry? If you’ve answered yes to even one of these scenarios, you have an intimate relationship with laziness.

Yeah, I know. But I had surgery so I get a temporary pass. Besides, my kids love doing little favors for mommy. Really, they do.

My point (yes there is one) is that there’s nothing easy about gastric bypass, especially when you consider the post op mandates.

Multi Vitamin – one tablet three times a day – For Life
Calcium + Vitamin D – two tablets three times a day – For Life
Biotin – one pill everyday – For Life
Iron - one pill everyday – For Life
B-12 – one pill three times a week – For Life
Prevacid – one capsule daily – For Life

It usually takes me a few minutes to remember where I put the To-Do List of errands I’m supposed to run after work. Now I have to keep a schedule of pills I must take several times a day, or lose my hair and teeth, become hospitalized, or die. Yeah, that last one’s a hoot, and a definite possibility.

Needless to say after a month I found it extremely difficult to maintain this regimen. I also got tired of crushing pills into a nasty powder, and opted for a vitamin compound (also not covered by insurance). True I pay $20.oo more a month. However, I take fewer capsules, they are easier to swallow, and the schedule doesn’t require a degree in metaphysics (take three with every meal – yeah I can remember that).

It’s a compromise I can live with (literally), much like the demon Lovenox.

What’s Love-nox got to do with it? Not a damn thing. Lovenox is a blood thinner that I was required to administer to myself twice a day for thirty days.

Let me clarify:

Hatred of Needles = Me
Lovenox Administered Via Syringe = Like Hell
Giving Myself Sixty Injections for a Month = Two Prayers Short of a Miracle
Dying of a Possible Blood Clot = I’ll Take the Dang Shots (Coerced Practicality)

Funny what hang-ups you’ll get over when death goes from a theoretical possibility to a bad internet hookup. Yet not everything is gloom and doom. There are some amusing aspects to gastric bypass. Face-Farts are hilarious (to everyone but you).

Face-Farts, I’m coining a phrase here. It’s when air explodes out of your mouth in a series of rapid fire bursts. Face-farts should not be confused with burps (or the occasional vurp). Burps are commonly caused by a build up of gas due to a food item consumed. Face-farts are unexpected expulsions of air cased by your surgeon pumping your innards full of oxygen to make sure they plugged all the leaks.

Of course no one tells you that it takes days, or in my case two weeks, before all the air work it’s way out. And before you ask, the back door wasn’t fully operational at that time, which is why I was passing gas from the northern region of my anatomy to the delight of my family and friends.

Trust me; loved ones will roll on the floor laughing (rofl) at your discomfort. Especially when in the middle of a conversation you suddenly puff up like a bull frog and blow out invisible candles like a sub air-machine gun.

So as you can see “laziness” really isn’t a good adjective to describe a gastric bypass patient. “Stick-to-it-tiveness”, now that’s a word that has numerous applications, and the subject of my next post.

Pre Op Weight (March 4, 2010) - 357 lbs
Post Op Weight (May 13, 2010) - 312 lbs
Net Loss - 45 lbs

New Body, New Me? - April 2010