No one is supposed to be up after bedtime. “Stay in bed and rest your head”, that‘s one of the rules. But mango-lemonade is the best juice ever; I saw Mommy put two whole jugs of it in the back of the refrigerator when she came home from shopping. She must have forgotten, because at dinner all my big sis and I got was regular milk.

I knew it had to be real late because the hallway was dark-dark, except for the light coming from under my big sis’s door. She’s been sleeping with the light on a lot lately. I guess it’s because her room is at the end of the hall, between the bathroom and linen closet.

Daddy decided a while ago that she was too old to be sleeping in a bunk bed, or sharing a room with me. I don’t see how, she’s only three years older. I’m the one who just graduated kindergarten with all stars. All stars! Mommy said to think of it as getting my own room too, and if I got scared, to remember, she was right next door. Still, I didn’t want to be by myself in the hallway, if tonight the light went out in big sis’s room.

I promised myself to only get a glass of juice and get straight back into bed. Everything was quiet when I snuck downstairs, and I made sure not to clink any glasses or slam the refrigerator door. I made it back upstairs as quietly as I’d left, and knew everyone was asleep, until I saw a shadow cross over the light coming from my big sister’s bedroom.

Pee-pee. I felt like I was going to pee-pee. I didn’t, but I felt like it. Maybe, it was the way big sis sounded or the funny way Daddy whispered. It just didn’t feel right and I don’t know why. I couldn’t understand everything they said; I just knew she was scared. She sounded a lot like she does when we go to the doctor’s for our shots, and Mommy promises us cheeseburgers and fries if we‘re brave.

The light had something to do with it. Daddy seemed to want it off and big sis didn‘t. I thought that if Daddy went back to his and Mommy’s room the light wouldn’t bother him so much. I’ve forgotten to turn off the light before, and nobody got mad.

Maybe if the light were brighter Daddy could see how he’s scaring her. Maybe if the light were like the sun it could sting his eyes and he’d go back to his room. Maybe I should just get Mommy and tell her how mean Daddy’s being, but I’m not supposed to be up and I’ll get in trouble too. I started to feel a little sick, but at least I didn’t have to pee anymore.

I stood for a long time in the all-the-way dark-dark, when it hit me the light was out. I don’t remember when it happened; I was staring right at it while I tried to figure out what to do.

I didn’t really need to see though to know the light was out, I could even tell from my room. Sometimes when Mommy and Daddy went to bed, and the lights went out, the noises would start then too.

I headed for my room as quietly and fast as I could, while I tried not to spill my juice. Though to be honest, I didn’t think I wanted it anymore. I had just reached my door when I heard Daddy say something about big girl love, and I was scared to hear any more.

I closed the door, put my glass on the nightstand, and pulled my blanket and pillow off the bed. As I shoved my toys and stuff from under the bed to make room for myself, I prayed real hard that I’d be allowed to stay Daddy’s little girl forever.